Mondays Suck

Hi Mom,

I was fine for most of the weekend. We spent it with Dad. Fun but nothing crazy. A few errands, meals, of course, a movie... There were a few moments of sadness. Even church with Dad was OK, despite so many coming up to ask how I'm doing and share how you had touched their lives.

But then there was Monday. I felt miserable all day and Monday afternoon, I just lost it. In my office a little bit, then on the way to my car, and some on the way home (interrupted by a couple of phone calls).

Of course, THE MAYOR was out staring at me as I parked at our condo. I know we love to make fun of nosy neighbors, but Mom I swear this guy just sits outside watching everyone come and go. He doesn't even have a yard there. It's just a little patch of communal grass where he plops his folding chair down. It's ridiculous! Anyway, here I am pulling up with tears streaming down my face. Great. At least it was dark. I finished out Runnin' on Empty in the car and pulled it together. I've been listening to that song a ton these days. The entire album, actually.

"Looking out at the road rushing under my wheels
I don't know how to tell you all just how crazy this life feels
Look around for the friends that I used to turn to to pull me through.
Looking into their eyes I see them running too."

I love these lines. Jackson Browne is talking about life on the road, but these lines are just as applicable to life in general. Everybody's running on empty. Nobody has real answers because there aren't any. We're all running on this hamster wheel of life toward our inevitable end, and we help each other along the way the best we can.

In our lives, every day...no, every MOMENT matters.

Your death has brought that sharply into focus. And while I'm thrilled with many areas of my life, a lot of things are getting a serious look. Thank goodness H is the voice of reason. "Now isn't a good time to make major life changes or big decisions," she gently nudged. And she's right. My co-worker Jon (also a guitarist) took a slightly different angle on that:

"Don't make any major purchases right now, like guitars or anything!"

Hehe. He knows me well. I told him I'd buy whatever I want! And then closed about six browser tabs open with various guitars and amps on them. Hey, I was just looking!

I remember when Grandpap died and I came out of a fog after a few months and rededicated myself to do things I loved. To make sure I was maximizing every moment that I could. I feel the pull to do that again, only this time it is a billion times stronger.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. Right now, I lack motivation. I'm still heavy with sadness. It feels like I weigh 500 lbs.

There was a guest preacher at your church Sunday, and he was kind of interesting. Very dynamic. Had some interesting points and logic...some of which I didn't really agree with, but I always enjoy hearing different viewpoints that are well-reasoned. Afterwards, I passed him on the way out and said thank you & that I enjoyed his dynamic speaking style. He looked me in the eyes and said, "There's something about you..like you were analyzing things as I was speaking." I laughed and said, "Yeah well, that's what I do!" I also shared that I had just lost you a few weeks ago and that I was in a very introspective place. Kinda funny that he picked up on that from me. I never did have a good poker face. You know.

I gave up on the Mayor leaving his post, so I scurried to the house, put my stuff down, and got a wonderful hug from H. She's so amazing. As I was changing, I happened to see your house key, with "Mom & Dad" written in your script on the keychain. The one you gave me just in case. The one for the new door you guys got just last year. The one I never needed until you were gone.

And I started to cry all over again.