Staying at the house, your touch is everywhere. This place embodies you. It's both difficult and comforting being here. At any moment, I keep thinking I'm going to hear, "How are you, sweetie pie?" as you round the corner to the guest room. Your presence is so large in this wonderful home you made.
Of course, all the Fall decorations are up. They look beautiful. So festive. God, you loved to decorate. It's like you found a way to spread your cheerful, fun spirit in a tangible form in the house. You wanted to create a cheerful home. A welcoming home. A loving home. You knocked it out of the park, mom.
This is the toughest thing I've ever had to face, mom. And you've been there for all the previous toughest things. I'm at a total loss. You were my rock. I could call you about anything.
I was bringing the kids back to my place when dad called with the news. I answered on speakerphone, "Hey Dad, I got ya on speaker with K & A!" "Hey buddy, I got some bad news..." Dad's voice broke on the word bad. My brain raced: Dad hardly ever cries. Dad is crying. Oh my God, what could possibly have Dad crying? In a single flash, I took the phone off speaker, pulled it out of its stand and slammed it to my ear.
I couldn't believe it. I still can't. K saw me panicking and started to panic. "What?" "What, Dad!? WHAT!?!?"
I couldn't sugar coat this. I couldn't protect them from this. I couldn't soften this. I so wished I could protect them from this. Make this not true. Find out this was a mistake. Part of me believed it must be, at least until I saw your body at the viewing. My mind knows now that you're not coming back. I just can't believe you're gone. I guess I completely understand what the "denial" stage of grief feels like. I'm steeped in it right now.
I had to pull over and put on my hazards. I couldn't get a grip. I don't even remember what I said or what you said after that. I suddenly became aware that I was in a turn lane on a busy road with my hazards on. I had the presence of mind to realize this wasn't safe. I was able to get the car into the shopping center at the next intersection. Not before some asshole honked at me and cut me off. Oh shit, not now, dude! I revved and honked and generally made an ass of myself. I was so angry. "I just fucking lost my mom you fucking asshole!"
I lost my shit. Not my best moment. But I got us to the shopping center and parked. And we cried.
You would hate having caused pain to everyone you love like this. My God, you LIVED to pour love on others. And you affected so many people. So many, mom. More than I realized! The people who came to your viewing and funeral...Oh, my goodness, Mom! Friends came far and wide! Bobby and Priscilla, mom! Portia, Jackie. Jackie. That really gets me. You had helped her so much. It's so awful, Mom. She was devastated. You gave her hope. And Betty Lee. She's lost so much. And now you. It's just tragic. Sis went to see her and said she just sat there and stared out into space. She seems totally checked out. You were her rock. You were that for so many. You gave so much to so many. And we are all so thankful. And so many came to support Dad and us in our grief, as they wrestled with their own denial and grief. You were one amazing woman. I knew it when you were still alive, but I had underestimated it.
You were one of a kind, Mom. No one loves the way you did. That's why this hurts so much. Because you loved so much.
I miss you. I need you so much right now.
Love,
R
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